One really sunny day,
In the sweat sandy bay.
Someone had to leave,
But no one would believe.
He went to get some food,
But he was not in the mood.
He didn’t see the man in black,
At the time when he came back.
The young girl saw the death,
She couldn’t hold her breath.
Nothing was said after the horrible death,
The last thing she ever felt was here brothers last breath.
She never went outside to play according,
To the murder in the morning.
By Jose De Caires
June 21, 2015 at 8:07 pm
Jose, This starts off with a really strong rhythm which is well supported by a clear rhyme scheme. However, as it goes on I feel like you start to crowd the lines. Such as here:
“Nothing was said after the horrible death,”
This line breaks the pattern, which can be okay, but I feel like the adjective is added just for the sake of it.